This Is The Worst Text Your Ex Could Ever Send You

Originally published on Unwritten by Kelly Alto.





I’ve got a real problem happening here, you guys.


Do you want to know what annoys me more than seeing a cleavage car selfie or a long line at an LA Starbucks? Hot asian girls. (They always travel in packs, they’re never paying attention to their surroundings and their hair is always better than mine.)




But anyways, more than attention-seeking selfies, more than personal assistants and interns, and even MORE than just-the-right-amount-of-grease-in-their-hair Asian girls, I especially hate getting a particular text. The text that says: hope all is well.




…Guess who you’re getting that text from? Definitely not from someone who truly knows anything about your actual ‘well’-being!




It’s clearly coming from someone you don’t talk to anymore. And why don’t you talk to them anymore? I think it’s safe to say you probably don’t talk to them anymore because you probably don’t like them anymore. If I like you, I’ll talk to you. Ask my friends, I’ve got heaps to say. All of the time.




Usually, or at least in my experience, this text is coming from a distant ex who you finally stopped thinking about and then HERE THEY COME….POPPING UP….’HOPING ALL IS WELL.’




First of all, everything is fine. I’m fine. I may be sweating while sedentary. But I am fine. Second of all, what does that even mean- ‘hope all is well’? Did I tweet something that made it seem like I wasn’t doing well? Did you hear about my recent incident at the airport? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HOPE ALL IS WELL? You want to know what’s well? My drinks at the bar are well. (Hopefully you saw what I did there.)




Do you actually ‘hope all is well’? Because let’s face it, the only way I’m doing well is if you’re totally not doing well. I’d be doing well if you thought I was the greatest person in the world and missed me every single second of every single day. That would make me remarkably well. In fact, if you want to make my ultimate fantasy come true, you could show up to my house tonight with a bucket of meatballs and a love letter pleading your desire to get back together with me and then I can laugh in your face, shut the door and go back to watching Friends on Netflix. If you really wanted me to be ‘well’, that’s what you’d be doing. But you’re not. You suck. You’re probably sending me that bullshit text because you saw that I updated my profile picture and you know that I look good in it and the last girl you had sex with had lice. SHE HAD LICE! Ugh.




So, DO TELL! What are you trying to say with this nebulous text? You want to get back together but you don’t know how to say it so you’re trying to open up a dialogue? OR are you just trying to be casually civil? Which one is it? Am I supposed to respond hoping you’re doing well just because you hope I’m doing well?




Don’t expect a response.




This is very frustrating because chances are, the person sending the text did something to mess up your relationship. Everything is well within a relationship until one person makes it unwell; am I right or am I right? (…ladies?)




Not to play the victim card here-but odds are, they were the one who messed it up. And now, months have gone by and Pompous Pete thinks he can show up on his high horse wishing you well!




Not how it works, Pete. You’re the bad guy. Stay that way.




Basically, getting a text from an ex that reads: ‘hope all is well’ is the most confusing thing that can happen. It’d be less confusing if The Pope was seen hooking up with Miley Cyrus.




Here’s two truths and a lie: All is well, I’m over it, and I’ve stopped sweating.

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